The Meal to be Thankful For…

I believe I’ve appropriately named the blog post, to entice the grammar police. When selecting a title for a post, it is important to draw in the grammar police, as they hate titles that end in prepositions. I have observed, over a period of time, that the grammar police are usually cranky, and can’t resist the urge to look at the dangling “for” and make a comment. In the industry, this would be known as “Prepositional Click Bait”. But, in the mean time, you’ll understand what the for was for.

I’ve recently come off a period of extended fasting, and intend to start another fast the day after Thanksgiving. During the last extended fast, the fasting police and the protein police (no association with the grammar police) have shown concern that I’m not getting an adequate supply of the proteins, making my muscles, bones, and lean body mass (I’ve got a mass of lean body under my skin somewhere) melt away.

But, hears (take that punctuation police) my deep dark secret, that know one except my wife, knows about me. I like my proteins. I even love my proteins. And, I love my fats.

I’ll forever be known as the 2 Dude admin that can’t cook, or doesn’t cook…I’ve earned this reputation the honest way; by not cooking. However, I used to cook many delicacies during the days of my youth. And, since I’m feeling younger every day, I figure I have to get back into cooking.

In the the past, I’ve been known as the guy that cooked the following delicacies:
1) Microwaved Chicken
2) Microwaved Steak (lean cuts of course)
3) Microwaved Oat Meal (Steal cut of course)
4) Steak marinated in ice tea. Useful for the extra caffeine rush you need to stay awake.

The list goes on and on. Let’s just say I didn’t get extremely fat, by eating my own cooking. And, I never got any of the dreaded bacteria or diseases from cooking that I’ve been warned against. This is probably because I didn’t eat the chicken that I left in the Microwave for a week after cooking it.

But, I digress.

When it comes to be Thanksgiving, you all have something you can be thankful for. No matter how much you despair, in your present condition, you can always be thankful that you don’t cook like Tom Seest. And, that you don’t look like Tom Seest. You can use the line, I really don’t mind.

I’m in the midst of restocking my proteins, and this is my favorite protein laden dish. I’ve provided photos, simple instructions, and exact measurements so that you two (take that grammar police) can cook like me.

You will need the following stuff (I think the more formal chef would refer to these as ingredients) to cook up this batch of goodness:

1) You will need eggs. I use nothing but the best eggs, laid out the back side of hens that roam through green pastures eating bugs, dirt, grass, etc. For their after dinner breaks, these hens relax on the beaches of Maui and get their tender legs massaged by cabana roosters. You can tell it when you break open the eggs. These babies are nothing but the best. I use 4 eggs, but you can use nothing but the best.

2) You will need buttah. I use nothing but the best buttah. I use roughly two table spoons of the stuff. This buttah comes from the uttah of a cow that gets massaged daily by the cold hands of a blue eyed farmer, who lets his cows roam the country side eating all the best of grasses, coated with the evil vapors created by big oil and Monsanto. Nothing but the best for my cows, and they make the best Buttah. If you can’t get my buttah, just get some from Kerry Gold, or one of those other dairies. It may suffice, but don’t blame me if it ruins your cooking.

3) You will need some weenies. Or sausages. I like High Plains Buffalo (Bison for all you people in New York offended by the word Buffalo) Hickory smoked dogs. These buffalo, roamed the earth about 60 days ago, were encased in plastic, and now reside in the freezer section of my grocery store. I believe they are organic, because the label tells me so. And, would the label lie? Maybe, who knows. I use two of these dogs myself, but you can use any quantity.

4) You wil need cheddar cheese. The exact measurement is a bunch. You need a bunch. In my case, we consume big blocks of Raw Cheddar Cheese aged for two years in the green hills of Vermont, after the milk and cream were stripped from some poor, helpless momma cow. We like the Raw cheddar (not pasteurized) because Pasteur is dead now, so what did he really know? Yes, I know we are risking death and illness by not eating the pasteurized crapola, but that’s ok. We are willing to take the risk.

5) A frying pan will help too. And a stove. But, I’m sure with a little creative ingenuity on your part, you could cook this up in a cast iron pan, smouldering over a burning tire. But, I digress.

Here is how you cook these suckers up. I’ve even provided some photos which will help guide you along the way.

1) Turn on the stove. If you like your eggs burnt, turn it on high. If you like your eggs not burnt, don’t turn it on high. I have nothing invested in this, as it isn’t my eggs you’ll be burning.

2) Throw the buttah in the pan and let the buttah melt. As it is melting, it will look something like this:

3) While the buttah is melting, slice up the weenies so that they are little bite sized chunks. Throw the melted weenies into the pan, and let them cook on both sides. If you like the weenies burnt, burn them to a crisp. If you like em’ raw, just eat them now. Otherwise, let them cook in the buttah. It’ll look something like this:

4) Once you’ve gotten the weenies cooked the way you like them, take them out using one of them flipper things and put them on the plate, so that they appear like this:

You’ll be tempted to eat the weenies. But, I recommend holding off until the cooking is all done.

5) Now, crack these spectacular eggs and put them in the pan to fry. If you like em’ raw, just eat them shell and all. If not, cook em’ any way you like. Because, you’ll like em’ any way. Once cooking, they’ll look something like this:

Those eggs have not been retouched with the Photoshops. Those are just good, eating’ eggs.

6) As the eggs are cooking, grate up all that great cheese. Or, great it up or something like that. I think what I mean is cut it up into tiny pieces and sprinkle it in a nice layer on top of the cooking eggs. This melts cheese on top of the eggs which are melting on top of the buttah. It’ll look something like this:

7) When you are satisfied with the cooking of the cheese and eggs and buttah, pour it all out of the pan onto the plate on top of the weenies. It’ll look something like this:

Keep in mind that presentation is important. It’s important that the food looks good before you eat it. In my case, the only presentation that matters, is when I present it to my mouth. And, my mouth can’t see, so I’d care less what it looks like.

If you like salt, bury it in your salt of choice and enjoy.

This, my friends, concludes my recipe for my favorite source of proteins. I could go back through my food logs and determine how many times I’ve burnt this offering over the last 2 years, but I won’t bore you with the details. If you are one of them calorie counting critters, you’ll have to count them yourself. If you want the macro count, you’ll have to count them yourself. I’d recommend a good microscope, so that you can see all the proteins and fats running around in their soupy deliciousness.

I’d like to take the time to apologize to all those people, whom I’ve truly offended with this post:

1) The Grammar Police – I’m truly sorry. I was given remarkable grades in school for grammar, and I know better. But, I had to draw you in with the click bait. After all, that is what click bait is for…
2) The Fasting Police – Yep. This ain’t a meal for the people that are fasting. I’ll be there again shortly. In the mean time, take big gulps of air, and count the macros in it.
3) The Protein Police – Yep. I like the proteins. I can’t deny it. I can’t hide it. Lots of good aminos in that dish right there.
4) The Vegans – Sorry. I got nothing for you. Just a little love.
5) Monsanto – Yeah. I know. We’d all be starving and dying without you.
6) Real chefs and cooks every where. What can I say, some of us have the talent, and some of us don’t. I don’t. You do. You are blessed, and so am I.

And now, you’ll have something to be thankful for at this time of Thanksgiving. I’m personally thankful for Keto, for a wife and a family who care, and for my friends online in the 2 Dudes community.

Be well, my friends, and be thankful…